TNT ... Chicago 9
1 "Why bother writing a suicide note if the reality was that there was no one who would really care what was written there?"
2 Maybe it was just a rationalization on his part to more easily knock one more thing off of his last-day-of-his-life checklist, but reaching that conclusion did permit John to move on to the next steps of his big night. 3 His big night coincided with the rest of the world's big night -- but he was determined to make it his LAST big night.
4 It was not an impulse decision. 5 He had been evaluating his options for weeks and had settled on the best way to go out. 6 He wanted it to be quick and definite, so he had ruled out the classic rope and chair in his tiny apartment on the north side of the city. 7 After all, as comfortable as he was in his prostheses, he had never learned in his physical therapy sessions the specific skill of kicking out a chair from underneath oneself after a rope was secured around one's neck.
8 There was no way he would do it with pills, as a way of protest. 9 The pills were to blame for the side-effects. 10 The pills had only marginally quieted the nightmares, and to the extent that they did, the pills also kept him in a perpetual fogginess. 11 The pills seemed to create five problems for every one they tried to solve. 12 He would not overdose on pills ... because the pills already had too much power over him. 13 His last Christmas gift to himself the week before was that he threw out all of his pills.
14 He knew that he knew his way around a firearm. 15 Until the IED, he considered his weaponry as some of his closest friends. 16 But his mother was dead and he hadn't talked to his father in years. 17 His little brother had run away from that home shortly after she died and he returned to his tour of duty. 18 His brother was probably homeless in some city -- hopefully a warmer one than Chicago in the wintertime -- or he had restarted his life with all ties cut and with his own friends or people he now called his family. 19 He did not want to shoot himself and lay there with no one to find him until his neighbors called for someone to investigate the stench of his decay.
20 There was Maria. 21 Or, more accurately, there *had been* Maria. 22 The truth was, though, that she hadn't stopped by in months. 23 He couldn't really blame her because he had said some nasty things when he found out about her affair with her boss at the pharmacy, but she was his last lifeline to any hope for some kind of future normalcy. 24 And she was out of his life.
25 He had calculated that it would be a good ten to fifteen minutes to get to the platform of the el, and he was determined to go over the edge and on to the electrified rail just prior to midnight so that he did not have to suffer at all in the new year. 26 Plus, according to that plan, the rescue workers who would come and claim his body would have had their "happy new year" moment so he wouldn't have ruined their holiday. 27 He needed to leave.
28 He strapped each artificial limb on to its respective nub and he moved determinatively toward the door. 29 He had gotten so good with the stairs, he was down the flight and to the corner without incident. 30 He pulled tightly on his collar to address the shock of a biting wind, and he turned directly into it as he headed up the block to the entrance for the public transportation.
31 Long ago he had learned to ignore the happiness of those around him. 32 As he passed some party-goers on the street, he looked through them, aware that their joy was now akin to a foreign language to him -- just nattering of passersby that he could no longer comprehend. 33 Besides, being out in public in the middle of the night, with more noise than normal in his environs, he was on alert and looking everywhere at once, anticipating where there might be trouble.
34 It was exhausting -- not because of his disability, but because of his ability. 35 He had been trained this way, and stopping to even blink added extra pressures on him for fear that something might happen in that instance. 36 The peace of not having to be "on" at all times -- that was possibly the thing he was looking forward to the most.
37 He was too proud to take the elevator ... but too tired for more stairs. 38 Luckily, the escalator that was out of order more than not was working on the holiday. 39 Besides, it was too close to midnight to maneuver up the stairs.
40 As the top of the platform came into view, he was able to see the digital clock. 41 It read 11:58. 42 He had planned it all perfectly. 43 He wasn't sure exactly how many cars would be in the train on New Year's Eve, but he knew that people would not be gathered at the far end.
44 He walked with purpose, each step reminding him of the hours of physical therapy he had done. 45 He got stronger with each forward motion -- just like before -- and he reached the end of the platform exactly at the time he wished. 46 The neighborhood erupted in cheers and the sky lit up with cheap fireworks.
47 John instantly flashed back to his time in the service, and with a week's worth of a break from his meds, he was shaken at the precise moment he wanted to be the most confident. 48 The cheers he heard turned to screams ... and in the midst of it all, there was a distinctly unique sound -- the cry of a newborn baby.
49 It was a piercing cry that stopped him dead in his tracks before he could follow through with his plan to be dead on the tracks.
